No longer Mine
by SilentOne101
Summary: An inside look at Duo's thoughts after the war...Duo's POV. I'm not really good with summaries, so please just R&R!


Title: No Longer Mine  
  
Rating: R  
  
Categories: ANGST! Serious Angst. Depression, shonen ai hints, Duo's POV  
  
Warnings: DEATHFIC! Do not read if you are uncomfortable with mental instability and strong depression  
  
Spoilers: None really  
  
A/N: See the end!  
  
The war is over. No more fighting. But now I am alone, and I wish the war was back. I had a purpose, I had a reason to be alive.  
  
But it is gone now. It left me to my thoughts, let me sink into the void where there was nothing. I had a purpose, and now it is gone.  
  
The others have moved on, going separate ways. I have tried, and failed. It is not like me. I may run, I may hide, but I never tell a lie. But that, in itself, is a lie. For I have lied to myself, believing things were better, even though I knew they weren't.  
  
I tried to correct my faults, tried to move on like the others. But I cannot face the truth, just as I cannot face the fact that there is no more fighting. I long for those battles which held my life in its claws. I wish for an honorable death at the hands of an enemy. Maybe he would avenge my death?  
  
No. Heero would do many things, but he would not risk his life for my sake. Especially if I was already dead. Or would he?  
  
I hope too much, and in the end I will have nothing but a broken heart and shattered memories to keep me company. But that is to be expected. I couldn't ask for anything more.  
  
But I want to. I want to beg the Gods to give me this one gift. Give me the man I have desired for the better part of two years. But I have done nothing to earn such a gift. And so I hope too much, and wait for the pain which will surly come.  
  
I am angry. Angry at the Gods for making me feel this way, and angry at myself for being so weak as to ponder all of these shallow human emotions. I bet Heero doesn't wallow like I do. I bet he is strong, and laughs at gullible people like me.  
  
I used to laugh at people like me. I used to be able to take the emotions and shrug them off with a smile. But I can't do that anymore. They never truly disappeared, just went deeper until I could take it no more.  
  
I am not stupid, although I feel it right now. I was stupid to fall for the Perfect Soldier. Stupid to believe that he could care for me. But I was smart, too. Smart enough to see that, no matter what I did, the Japanese pilot would never see anything in a foolhardy braided American.  
  
Heero is happy now, especially with the war over. I am happy the war is over, too, if only because Heero has taken to smiling. He smiles often, now, but it is never directed at me. Again, I miss the fighting, especially since the fighting created our friendship.  
  
What an ironic twist of fate, ne? First I am stupid because I fall in love, but I am smart because I recognized it for what it wasn't. Then I loathe, and love, the fighting since the said battles brought us all together, but the peace is what made us human.  
  
My head hurts from all of this thinking, and I grab the bottle of aspirin off my counter. And, without thinking, I take all of the pills. It takes me 20 minutes to realize my mistake, but by then the effects are already starting. I reach for the phone, and I dial the number that is ever-present at my fingertips.  
  
Heero's face appears on the screen, and I give him a weak smile before I start to speak. "Heero. . . . Goodbye." My voice is breathless as it is hard to draw breath. I cannot say more as my body slides to the ground.  
  
Heero will get help, I know. And the minutes tick by slowly until I hear the pounding on the door. Heero kicks it open, breaking all the locks and shaking the apartment. There are more feet, and I am placed on a straight board and carried to an ambulance. Heero is with me, holding the empty aspirin container in one hand and my arm in the other. He is not smiling now, and I regret it. I wish he would smile for me one last time.  
  
I pass out, and I can hear voices all around me. "Come back, Duo. Don't leave. Wake up, please!" It sounded like Heero, but he sounded so scared. Heero wasn't supposed to sound like that. Heero was brave, perfect. Why would he be scared over me?  
  
I am finally able to open my eyes, and I am shocked to see tearstains over Heero's face. He clutches my arm, and I can tell he is trembling. "Duo? Duo, please. Please don't leave. Please don't die!" Die? No, I don't want to die. But Heero will never love me like I want, like I need. And with that thought, my eyes close again. "Duo? DUO?!" I hear Heero scream. I hear the monitor flat-lining as my heart stops beating. The doctors shock me, and I feel the tug it causes on my body. But I do not want to wake. It is nice in the mist.  
  
"Duo, I-I-I l-l-love y-y-you!" What?! He LOVES me?! I search frantically for those tugs, wanting desperately to go back to the man I have loved for many lifetimes. But I cannot reach it, and I want to cry out in pain and desperation.  
  
I feel myself floating, carried away on a current that no one can see. I feel death enclose me, surround me, and keep me warm. It was nice, but not what I wanted. And now, because of my pain and anger, I can no longer have what I wanted. And what I wanted, can no longer be mine.  
  
Owari!  
  
A/N: I wrote this while I was seriously depressed, and please forgive me if you didn't enjoy it. It is a rather dark kind of fic, and it wasn't written for those happy-go-lucky kind of people. I wrote it several years ago, and I just re-read it for the first time in a long time. Feedback is wonderful, if you fee like it! Thanks!  
  
SilentOne 


End file.
